recurrence
by hellomynameis-kita
Summary: and she can almost but not quite smell the scotch he’d been drinking right before she’d stormed into his room in a fit of unprecedented un-poised rage. chuckblair post2x04


**recurrence**

_and she can almost but not quite smell the scotch he'd been drinking right before she'd stormed into his room in a fit of stupid un-poised rage. _«chuckblair» post 2x04

**author's note:** alright-y here's the dilly-yo, first cb fic but I've been a shipper since the shows' first promos, I saw the awesome chemistry they had, who didn't!? but yeah, and now that josh has let it be known that he won't screw over this couple and its shippers (he said somewhere that they would be the shows rossnrachel, insert hardcore squee) I decided to write them, I actually have another three fics for them in the making but I'm a notoriously bad updater so don't expect anything soon (if you like this, that is) anyway this is why I believe chuck is doing what he's doing, fellow twop-pers agree (television without pity, where you can discuss the episodes and sometimes bash them, not that I do) and I wanted to write this in a style I usually do not use. there are supposed to be no caps, and there are supposed to be no full sentences, I wrote it that way and I like it, it flows and staggers like their relationship (to me anyway but I may be reading too much into it, school is corrupting my brain man! arrg)

anyway drop a review if you like it or want to see more cb (although who doesn't, really now?)

**disclaimer: **sadly not mine, but I'm glad if only because josh is being most awesome with his plots and I would just make it a cb love fest (not that that is in any way a bad thing…drools)

**pairing: **just in case I haven't already said it enough, cxb cxb cxb cxb

**enjoy!**

**xoxo**

"why?" she demands, pushing hard on his chest, violently, she looks devastated and dangerous

"and I need an actual reason, not because you can, or because I don't want to or because you don't want me to, or because you do want me to or whatever and definitely not because your **chuck fucking bass**!" her voice is loud and she keeps on pushing him, shove by shove, hard, her words harsh

.

"I want you to fall, I want you to lose it all again" he confesses just as heatedly, it's what he wants, it's what he needs because then-

.

"why? you've already done that before, you know how it ends,"

.

of course he knows, she falls from grace, dethroned, gets back up better than ever, and she gets to further hone her 'bitch skills'

.

-not that she needs to-

.

"it's not how it ends that I want to do over, waldorf" he sneers

.

she pauses, hands no longer touching him, he wishes they were, he wishes she was

she thinks over his comment, confused, but it's taking her too long and he's impatient

.

"you lost everything...and then you came to me"

comprehension dawns

"you...you pushed me away"

"I remember waldorf, I was there too" he bites out,

its funny how he can be saying almost romantic things but still remain chuck bass

.

her face falls as she sinks into that memory, his words ringing in her head

he speaks before _those_ words drown out the him that is with her now

"I wouldn't do that this time" he breathes

.

she breaks away from _that _night and her eyes lock with his, stuck

they stare at each other heatedly for several moments

what happens next is obvious and such a _fucking_ cliché,

but they have to be conventional at some point during their defiance of fate

otherwise known as their 'relationship'

they lunge at one another, mouths finding each other as if magnetically attracted

cliché, cliché, cliché she thinks

but then again, when has the leading man ever manipulated his leading lady's life and destroyed everything she's worked so, _so_ hard to keep?

_again_

it's this thought that causes her to pull away as far as she can

.

he won't let her go, he knows the train tracks of her thoughts almost as well as his own

she's remembering what he's done and won't, _she won't_

.

-why won't she **ever** just -

.

but no, she won't, not now

she pushes his arms off of her, pries them from her waist with a strength that only comes with anger

.

"I won't go to you this time" she lets out angrily, furiously, she sees red

he knows, he fucking **_knows_** all he needs to do, to say-

that's all he needs, he doesn't need all these plots, and he doesn't need to control her

he just needs to-

but he won't

so she won't

.

he knows she thinks he doesn't need these elaborate schemes, he knows what she wants

.

-it's always about what she wants-

.

he thinks she's wrong, he needs the control because he can't take the insecurity, the unknown and distrust

he needs to be in control of the situation and she should know better than to just want him to give it up

.

manipulation and dirty dark schemes are chuck bass's carbon dioxide

blair waldorf if his oxygen

.

-and his kryptonite he wants to add, but he's no fucking superman-

.

but nevertheless he breathes her in and evil out, it's just how he is

.

"chuck "she demands, and it's the slight pleading in her voice the makes him stop struggling to keep a hold of her

keep her, hold her, _have _her,

as soon as he lets her go his body

.

-mind, heart-

.

screams these things at him

_keep her, hold her, **have **her_

his hands move almost involuntarily from his sides, almost transitioning to hers,

almost, but they don't

.

she back away, she feels like she needs to leave now

it's the way he's looking at her

.

-he's always, **always** _looking_ at her-

.

he's telling her a millions things at once and it too fast

.

-_they _are **too fast-**

.

she wishes this fight was at her house, so she could feel safer, she could scream at him

get out, get out, get out

.

-out of my room, out of my house, out of my life, out of my head, out of my heart,-

.

she needs to leave but his eyes are keeping her where she is

.

-like the night his hazy eyes across the limo made her feel a pull she couldn't describe, even now, dragging her to him-

.

"I won't go to you this time" she repeats helplessly, without the fire of before

"you will" he states

she shakes her head, let out a tiny whimpering 'mm-mm' kind of noise

she sounds so defeated

.

it kills him

"you have to" he says desperately,

as desperately as chuck bass can sound

.

-very desperately as it turns out, like when he pleaded for her not leave, not to leave **him**, for that prick-

.

she shakes her head again

"I won't be able to" she sounds so sad

"you will, you'll come to me and I'll never let you leave again" he promises walking towards her

she backs up further, against the door

.

-her escape is so close-

.

if this was a teen romance flick he would cage her body in with his, and press her into the wood of the door and she would pretend that the doorknob **wasn't** digging into her back uncomfortably

but this isn't a stupid movie for the teeny boppers that would swoon at that scene, so he doesn't

.

she hates

-**_hates_-**

herself for wishing he would

.

"you would come back to me" his voice is a half whisper and he's so close

.

-too close-

.

and she can almost but not quite smell the scotch he'd been drinking right before she'd stormed into his room in a fit of stupid un-poised rage

she shakes her head again

.

"you would" he says, almost demands it

of course she would, he thinks

she would because there's a _pull_ there, that they share and she could-

she could-

they could start over, and there would be trust because she came to him to help her and he would raise her from the ashes in a much better way than her best friend and-

.

-it's what he planned, it **has** to work-

.

"blair" he's about ready to tell her this but-

"my best friend," she says softly, and if he wasn't so close he wouldn't have heard

"I could never- and she was first-I just-when she left I- and we would never be the same if I-"she pauses

"we would never be the same" she repeats hollowly and when she looks up at him, he gets a sinking feeling that she's not talking about her darling 'queen s' bestie anymore

"blair" he tries again but he doesn't know what there is that he can say

the truth is there is nothing

nothing to say, everything left unsaid

.

she shakes her head again

"I could never trust you again, I could never be sure, I would always think there was an ulterior motive I would-"

"I'd bring you back, better than ever, "he promises

.

-empty promises as empty as his threats-

-so not really empty at all-

.

"we could- you would trust me because I would-"

"I wouldn't, "she interrupts him

"I would always wonder"

.

"I'd make sure you'd never have to wonder again" he reaches to touch her, but she back further away and now the doorknob **is** digging into her back uncomfortably and she almost anticipates the scripted kiss

but her life is no movie and he won't do it because this isn't time and this conversation seems to important now

"I-blair, you know you could-"he doesn't know what to say anymore, really

.

there are no more **fucking** words

.

"you can't just start over on your own terms chuck" she states wearily

"and you can?" he cuts in angrily

"you can't just set out to destroy me and my world just so you can influence me into trusting you again" she carries on as if he didn't speak

it infuriates him

"I can do anything I want" he sneers

.

-and anyone, he wants to say but he knows that thanks to her that's not even true-

.

she shifts against the doorknob, now pressing against the small of her back and looks at him insolently

"you can't get me back, not that way...not now" she sounds confident and it shakes him

"yes I can" he snarls out defiantly

.

-they're always against each other, even when they are for each other, he's not sure if he loves that or hates it-

.

"no chuck, not after this," this time she sounds sad again and he decides that he loves when she's spirited and against him much more than when she's defeated

"it's my game waldorf," he pronounces

.

she almost wants to say _then have fun playing with yourself_ but she won't

she doesn't know what direction the conversation will go if she brings up the past

.

-the naked bodies, presents she didn't need but wanted, sweet nothings, time well wasted, sweat and sex-

-the hiding, missed calls, lyrics, screened calls, threatening messages, blackmail, betrayal and pain-

.

she needs some semblance of control in her life and she can't believe he's responsible for her whole world being taken away from her **_again_** by the one person she trusts the most

.

"it's not a game when we both lose" she says instead

she's going to lose everything

.

-really everything this time-

.

and he's going to lose her

.

-because she could never let this go, not this time, not serena-

.

"I'm not going to lose" he says fiercely

_I'm not going to lose you_

**_not again_**

he can't, he won't he'll fight it forever, he'll fight for it **forever**

.

she's so tired

she really is, she wants stop hurting at every turn

she wants to stop getting hurt by **every**one

"you already have" slips out of her mouth before she can stop it, even though she knows it to be true

.

places in his heart he didn't know existed fire up in hot, **hot** pain and he hurts all over

"no" he commands

.

now he actually does cage her body into the door, hand by her head, the other curling against her jaw

.

she wants to beg him not to but everything inside her craves for it and she feels like she's burst up in flames and frozen solid all at once when their lips meet again

.

it pleading and almost to gentle but when she can't help but kiss back

.

-she really can't, it's that damn pull they have again-

.

it gets more desperate and his hand leaves the wood of the damn door and he wraps his arm around her to pull her away from the stupid doorknob and into him

he brings her in as close as she can get with clothes on and it's not about sex, and it's not leading to sex at all

it's an argument, his attempt to convince her to take back her last words,

.

-take them back, reel them in, never let them out again-

.

it's his defense, his rebuttal and she want to pull away and tell him he has some good points but this isn't the moment, this is too serious

.

it's a battle and she hates herself for wavering against enemy defences

.

-and he really is the enemy now-

.

she hates herself for wanting so, **_so_** badly to give in

she can't, she can't, she can't, she won't, she won't, she absolutely **will not**

she pulls away again and sees the heartbreaking look of resigned defeat in his eyes when he sees her face

.

it kills her

like she kills him

and he kills her

.

they're always killing each other and they need to stop

they **need** to **stop**

.

"we need to stop" she voices, pulling as far away as she can in his hold

.

it's not what he thought she would say and he's confused

"what?"

"we kill each other" she clarifies

.

he looks so lost

"we- we don't _kill_ each other...I'm very much alive blair" he ends with confidence punctuating his voice

she just looks at him, sadly, so distant even when she's so close, still locked in his arms

.

-he can't let her go, he really, really cannot-

.

he pauses

"you make me feel _alive_ blair" he adds softly, and he hates himself for being so stupid and _romantic_

he's chuck bass and he's **not** romantic and he's not dan fucking humphrey and he wouldn't be a good boyfriend and he's not in love

.

-liar-

.

she shakes her head

"you...kill me chuck"

he reels away, hurt, obviously

"you...you keep doing all these things...you keep trying to hurt me"

"you hurt me" he bites out

"I know" she cuts in, loudly

he looks at her

"I...I know okay?" she lets out helplessly "I'm sorry"

"you went back to him...after everything he did..._right_ after you ended it with me"

she closes her eyes as he brings up the past,

she didn't want to have this conversation now when a more pressing, present issue is on her mind, not ancient history

.

-not so ancient at all, because she still remembers his hands on her, his chest pressed to hers, his body against hers, _in hers_, his _eyes_ always on her-

.

but she feels she owes him a proper explanation, long overdue

"I thought you were just going keep ruining me, keep doing things they way you do, orchestrating disasters around me and I couldn't handle it"

he keeps his eyes on her silently, waiting for her to continue

"this whole world, it's all I can control, how people see me is the most important thing, and, and you knew that, and you didn't...I thought you were just doing it for your own enjoyment and-"

"I wasn't," he interrupts

her eyebrows crinkle in confusion

"I...did it to keep Nate away, he wanted you back and I thought you would take him back if you had the chance...turns out I was right" he added in bitterly

she wants to **slap** him

"you...you idiot" she manages to get out, struggling out of his grip, trying to at least

"what? blair?"

"I was never...I wasn't going to go back to him you...basshole!" she exclaims

"yes you were!" he exclaims "you...were going to the ball with him"

"as friends" she grinds out

.

-like she didn't have to say it enough times when it was actually happening-

.

"friends who fucked" he lashes out

.

-she hates it when he uses that word in regards to sex-

.

"_we_ fucked" she retaliates

he wants to say something smarmy like_ how about another go_ but her previous statements is still playing over in his mind

"you weren't going to..."

"no, I wasn't" she says

"I was with you" she adds sadly

"so I made you go to him" it's a statement, he doesn't want her to answer in the positive, he wouldn't be able to take it

"because I thought you were never going to change, I thought you were going to keep scheming and soon enough you'd bring me down too..." she trails of, eyes glazing as she remembers

"and I was right" she steps out of his limp arms,

.

-they'd stop struggling to hold her when she'd stopped struggling to leave him-

.

they've come back to reason she's here again

"no-blair-I-wait" he reaches for her again

.

-if someone had been watching their conversation on mute all they would have seen was the both of them going back and forth, back and forth, just like they always do, just like they've always done-

.

"no listen chuck, I can't... wait, or whatever it is you want or _need_ from me okay?"

"blair-"

.

-why can't he **ever** just find the words?!-

.

"my best friend!" she exclaims loudly, the fire from when she started this mess by coming over, returning

he winces because even though he meant it to hurt, he didn't want it to hurt _them_

"serena!? how could you do that to me? you know I can't beat her, you know I _won't_"

"oh come on waldorf, don't act so perfect and loyal, you know you would do it"

"I _would_ have done it! but we're better now, we're sisters and we're _there _for each other and-"

"_I_ want to be there for you!" he lets slip

"I **don't** care chuck!"

he looks like he expects that and she hates how it hurts her but she continues

"I told you, I can't, I couldn't ever trust you again" her voice gets sad again at the end of her statement

"you could" he pleads

"blair please just"

she looks like she's about to cry and it cuts him up in to pieces

"no, chuck you don't get it, I already can't trust you, I don't..."

now she can't find any words to convey what she needs to say

she wants to say she's done, and she wants to say it's over but she can't deal with the repercussions of those words

.

-she can't deal with the look she knows will cross his face before he continues to fight for her-

-because he's not nate and he won't take her words lying down and he will keep fighting-

.

but she needs to find the right thing to say, she can't mess this up

this feels too serious and she can't believe they're just high schoolers who feel like this but all children of the UES had their childhoods ripped away from them at too an early age

.

-they've all had to grow up too fast-

.

"blair-"

"I have to go"

she's at the door now, again, and this time she's determined to leave because she needs to, she needs to get out _now_

"blair _please_" he's not above pleading now, not when it feels like if she leaves she's never coming back

.

-never coming back to **him**-

.

"I _can't_" she shakes of his hand from her wrist, he'd reached for her again

.

he can't seem to stop touching her

he needs the contact

he needs to feel like she's still with him

.

she hates that she needs it too but she does

and she can't

.

she really needs to leave

.

"stay away from me chuck, just stop messing up my life"

it's all she can offer

.

"I'm sorry"

it's all he can say

.

"you're not" she knows him

"you're really not, you still think it's going to work"

.

he knows she's right but he won't bring himself to say it

she _will_ come back to him

they're '_meant to be'_ and all that shit that doesn't really describe _them_ but can apply to them anyway

they have a pull, they need each other in their lives

that's more like them, really

.

he steps forward and touches the side of her face

she lets him because _she_ believes this is the last of _them_

.

he knows better

.

one heated stare later where the look in his eyes freaks her out

then she's out the door

.

he promises himself that she'll be back

.

**xoxo**

**author's note 2:**whew! this baby was 10 pages (although that could just be 'cuz of all the spaces) any way, you like? it turned out a little differently then I'd planned but that's cuz the last five pages were written in a total rush 'cuz I wanted to upload this before 2x05 aired (last minute I know, the curse of being a procrastinator) but I still like it…but I am allowed to be a wee bit partial eh? but my plot bunny of doom (Herbert) liked it too! he says it's mildly awesome and I hope you're all entitled to agree…are you!? ugh, the format got messed up, there were spaces in between the text but ff won't let me edit them in so i used "." instead and now it looks poncy...crap bags now i'm mad...and sad so im'na need you to drop a review to let me know if it isn't total crap now kay? kidding but still review, tell me what you think, thanks party people!


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